So, tomorrow is a big day in our little world. I’ll be going in for surgery to remove all of my reproductive organs, plus the three questionable places that turned up on CT scan. While she’s in there, my surgeon will do a thorough casing of the joint, taking some lymph nodes and sample tissue in order to determine just how much at home this cancer has made itself.
Of course, we’re hoping for the best news one can receive in these circumstances…. that the cancer is pretty well contained and that they were able to successfully remove it all. I’ll still have to undergo chemotherapy, but it’d be nice if that process was more precautionary than defensive.
It’s a weird feeling, knowing that at this time tomorrow I’ll have an incision from one end to the other and will be lighter a few organs. I’ll never be the same again. I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time today….looking at the smooth, unscarred skin of my torso. I’ve also spent some time trying to imagine myself with no hair, as I’ve been told that there’s no way I won’t lose it. I think of all of the times I’ve complained about my hair, or my stomach for that matter, and wish I had been more grateful for being healthy and disease-free. I do not think I’ll take my health for granted in the future. If you catch me doing it, I hope you’ll give me a good smack.
I’m trying not to get too schmaltzy or melodramatic on the cusp of this procedure. I’m trying to think of it as a positive thing, because it is. After all, I’m having a highly trained expert come in and extricate unwanted invaders from my body. Then we’re going to fumigate the place to make sure they never come back. That’s got to be a good thing, right? Certainly better than the alternative. I’m looking forward to waking up with these things out of me. To walking around and not thinking, “I have cancer inside me right now.”
I’m scared and nervous and emotional and anxious. But I’m also feeling surrounded with the love of my family, friends old and new, and even those of you I haven’t met but who have sent well wishes and messages of strength and encouragement. I feel like I am going into this surgery enveloped in love and light and good energy. For that, I am so very grateful.
See you on the other side…!